Connected or Cut Off
Or 33 ways to stay connected.
Connecting with the right people is the basis of excellent leadership and being a successful balanced human. Look at the things we love doing as humans: relationships, love, families, communities, eating, drinking, holidays, having fun. All these pursuits have a connection at their core. Equally, all these things viewed as a solitary exercise could be construed as depressing, negative and soul-destroying. When we apply a cut off behaviour, we create a severe flaw in our leadership. We may be doing it to protect, or with what could be a positive intention, yet its direct output is assumption, judgement and in work creates
What is surprising is that leaders sometimes forget the obvious and cut themselves off from connecting. Sitting in an office of one their own, not speaking informally with everyone around you and being seen as different to the employee population is questionable leadership. I do appreciate there could be exceptions, not sure what?!
Great leaders choose to connect over cutting themselves off.
Take a moment and imagine various scenarios in your life or your experiences where you have felt cut off.
What is it like?
Can you remember how you felt and what was in your thoughts at the time?
As a pure definition, the English dictionary describes it as: ‘To cut off a supply of something means to stop providing it or stop it being provided.’
Global industry leadership roles “cut -off- more regularly than it is an exception. Work as a silo is seen across every industry, fear of collaboration or sharing ideas. You can even apply this to the lack of gender quality, diversity and inclusion, pay gaps and all ‘isms used in the global frame.
Connectivity[1] (the humankind), and being connected[2] means openness, trust, respect, fairness, ego-less, lower hierarchical all directly correlate to happiness, less stress, more productivity and effectiveness at work too[3]
We see many businesses run more commonly with deep hierarchal layers and ego led leaders that “say as I do”. Cut off and disconnection create unbalanced and very biased behaviours, racism, cultural gaps, high attrition, low retention, high costs carried onto customers due to poor management.
Connected creates diversity, cognitively and demographically
Connected creates ideas, sharing, depth and trust, positive work cultures
Cut off creates silo working, negativity, fear and insecurity. Lacks diversity and slow growth, if any.[4]
Understanding the impact and ease of Cutting Off
Advising you to work on and develop your ability to connect and avoid this phenomenon would be far too easy to simply mention and move on. We have to look at the impact of cutting something off. As being cut off is easy to do, simple and can feel like it makes life easier without interference, others so why all the effort in being connected.
You have probably heard someone say in the workplace phrase, “I’m here to work, not to make friends,” and this style of language and reference is someone cutting themselves off to protect themselves from potentially a harmful or toxic workplace.[5] To feel better about themselves, not be judged, have an ego and feel it unnecessary to connect, hasn’t felt part or understand the business culture, the list goes on. We judge the person for this commentary rather than look within and see what have we done in the business for someone to feel like that
Have you experienced the feeling that is associated with the act of being cut off? I would like to look at some examples that show us the range of feelings from different moments in people’s lives. As we look at these examples, ask yourself, can you connect with them?
Can you relate personally to moments like these, or do you know someone who has?
Business cut off
In business, there are simple examples of cutting off taking place. Being a member of a business team, you are in two of the following situations.
1. You are leaving the business, and the boss has chosen to now ignore you
In this example, the leader decides that because you are no longer required to fulfil the business’ purpose or you are not part of their future business, cutting you off is an acceptable response against you. I have experienced this personally. As a company owner, coach, husband and friend to many people, I have worked out the right way of dealing with these moments when they happen—merely asking the person, in this case, the leader, to think about what advice they would give to someone going through the same situation. Because if that person had experienced the raw nature-based feeling of being cut-off, they would never in their wildest dreams do some of the things they think nothing of putting into motion. They are cutting themselves off also in the process yet forget this entirely.
2. You are outside a perceived circle of influence
Have you ever been part of a team with a perceived ‘inner circle’ or circle of trust? The trust process was highlighted with humour yet serious undertones in Met The Parents https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHJGoZpFeM8
We have experienced the language directly from a CEO client of RLC when they used the phrase with one of our coaches. It seemed so out of place with their culture. If you have been in a scenario linked to being outside a “circle of trust”,, it’s tough. It creates lots of questions for colleagues who are desperate to be part of the plan.
Am I good enough?
What do I need to do?
Why are other persons getting preferential treatment?
How is this fair?
Internal interference statements: why? What? Really? Indeed not, I’ve had enough.
There are many more thoughts and feelings you could capture here. It goes deeper than this. Cutting off people has a personal negative impact in areas that a leader has no right to apply. It negatively impacts an individual in many ways:
Self-Esteem
Personal Self-worth
Someone’s beliefs about who they are
Self-confidence
Competency
Effectiveness
3. Boardroom or Senior Management Secrecy
We have worked with many clients who have had to make serious decisions about their future path, brands, and people’s roles or careers. Due to operating within a high level of integrity and professional etiquette, the necessity to not engage people with legal agreements that underpin and underline confidentiality at the earliest stage creates secrecy and cutting off. The stakes are high, and the business requires absolute silence on the matters in hand. These boundaries are crucial. We have clients that we love to work with who require NDAs for everything. They even use them internally to stop people from telling other people about decisions being made in the business at the top table. Whilst this is important in a fast-paced digital business, it has become part of the systems and processes. As a result, people never really know quite what is coming up, secure, future proof, and safe.
Another client of RLC UK operated with two managing directors, I remember well. As a consultant, the first impression of a business with two MDs was two simple questions:
“Why are there two of you?”
“What is it about each of you that disallows one of you to do this job solo?’
Both parties’ outcome wasn’t defined or agreed as it could be that someone would be successful, and the other would have to move on or be replaced by someone with the right balance of both people to take the firm to the next level.
4. Business myth and legend cut off
A Senior Leader shares something with a direct report in confidence. This person has a large team who they lead. They know the truth about the importance of building relationships and have learned over many years to share personal moments of success, struggle, future items to inspire and build trust in their people. With good intentions, they let someone else know a 10 percent snippet of the conversation.
Impact Q 1: Have they broken the trust of the board?
Impact Q 2: What did the person hearing it feel like? Good | Bad | Indifferent? Someone else in the team discovers that the person reporting to the boss knows something they do not.
Impact Q 3: What is the impact on this direct report now?
Impact Q 4: How does this new person in the mix respond? They gossip to someone else about it. They begin to guesstimate what it might mean and be. The conversation spreads a little further.
Impact 5: The team are now trying to fill in the blanks.
Impact 6: The conversation at the water cooler has become this imaginative secret.
Over time the story becomes partial legend, and the Senior Leader who started the trail starts to learn how people are feeling, blissfully unaware that they began to the whole thing themselves.
Whichever of these situations you can relate to, I would like to ask the leaders reading this book are you cut off? Have you looked at each situation as someone else’s perspective of the person who is cut off, the view of other people involved, and its impact on them and others? We often get lost with information, communication and the amount of data available at our fingertips. The world around us is changing, evolving continuously. We are challenged by so many things to consider at any given time—constant distractions or noise levels influence our thinking, actions, attitude, behaviour and communications. Our companies' workforce is changing, 'millennials', next Gen Z is changing the face of what we do, how we do it, what is accepted and what is not. Yet, despite all of this, some things remain constant. Cutting off actions only contributes to adverse outcomes and benefits no-one.
We all require and desire clarity: clear direction, vision, alignment, focus and a clear view of the future. I do not doubt how companies, teams, and people communicate in the next twenty years will change dramatically due to the wonders and breakthroughs in modern technology. Whatever that change is, the fact of the matter is we will still need clarity.
To truly understand the power of connection, we have to look at the principle of communication that we all follow at RLC:
What does this mean to you?
What do you interpret from it?
Have you ever felt frustrated at people taking three, four, five or more times to understand you? In the worst cases, it can be hours or days.
A delegate recently asked me the question at a Leadership Retreat.
“How many times should I keep communicating before giving up?”
What answer would you offer them?
I offered this answer you keep communicating until the person understands your communication. As a leader, this is not a negotiable principle. It is something you sign up to, or you do not.
Getting connected has to deal with the leader’s communication effectiveness first. Historically there have been far too many leaders who saw no value in being a good communicator.
5 rules to connect
Connection Rule 1 - Change how you see the other person
Sometimes we can see someone and feel irritated by the fact we have to connect with them. Yet until you, as the Leader, gets past this, the relationship will never change. One of the techniques we use to help our team with personal relationships is seeing the person you care deeply about. Imagine they are someone else. As you look at them, giving them your full attention, imagine standing right behind them is a person you value, who you always connect with, and provide them with the attention you know how to do. It’s like road rage. If the car in front hogging the middle lane was your 80-year-old deaf and one-eyed grandma, would you still be cursing and swearing at the top of your voice?
Connection Rule 2 - Value Other People
This is a question I challenge myself with over and over again. If you ask 1000 leaders if they value people, they will almost always come back with a universal YES. Even if it’s made up of all the people in their organisation and don’t value them through their behaviours, language and actions, they would still say they do.
Valuing people is an essential principle that is a lifelong commitment. It is something that you either buy into or avoid.
After the London bombings in 2007 and subsequent events since, it became easy for Western Society to suspect an Asian Muslim, Eastern European, or hooded young person, all of whom were born in Britain. Whilst this may read quite uncomfortably, the reality is that fear distorts how we see things. Bias and our assumptions make us judge and assume and depletes value. As a leader, you have to value first.
Connection Rule 3 - Make a Commitment to improving Communication
Communication and connecting is a subjective affair. You may deliver the best communication and engagement the world has ever seen. Yet, if the person you are aiming it at doesn't feel, experience or acknowledge it, no communication has happened. It doesn't matter what you claim you said. The connection is only experienced by the other person when your message is clear and successful. Being able to accept and receive feedback of any kind -good, bad or indifferent, is essential to improve your communication.
Connection Rule 4 - Take time to Connect
We all run around managing our busy lives, taking with us along the way all the challenges and stress from the moments we pass through on our way. Have you ever been to a meeting in a heightened state of mind, where you arrive to get ready to start with the outcome you desire firmly planted in your mind, yet you make the fatal error to not connect first? To do this, we refer to our skill of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as it teaches us to follow four techniques:
1. Match the other person first
2. Match their tone of voice, speed of speech and voice volume
3. Proactive listening with all of your attention
4. Once connected, lead the conversation gradually
Connection Rule 5 - Connection is all about Communicating
Real communication is critical to connecting with your people. It takes time, it takes practice, and it takes a dedication to a life of learning. It’s moments when you forget to do it that cost you the most in leadership. However, if you fail how best to connect, simply revert to being a great communicator. Listen, articulate clearly, check to understand, then repeat.
10 ways to have a connecting business story
Do you Have a Connecting Story? This could be about you, your team, your product, your company or all of these. Once you have done this, take the time to work out the stories about tomorrow. One of the things we like to do at RLC is to help clients work out their business story.
1. What is your Now business story?
Test yourself and work through these steps:
1. Capture your story as it is right now
2. Capture a statement of how your team are right now
3. Capture a statement of how it is (customers, performance, behaviours, etc.) right now
4. Capture a statement of how effective each of these areas (from 3) are
5. Capture a statement of how you have achieved until now
6. Capture a statement that highlights crucial moments
7. Define what makes you different today
8. Now take a trip into the future and look at how good you could be, a minimum of three years from today. What is different?
9. Answer How good could you become if you knew that you could not fail?
10. Finally, what do you need to do to make it happen? What's the story?
2. Have a Story about your Brand?
A good brand needs a story, it needs a definitive reason for existing, and it requires a compelling vision for the future. It is the same as a personal brand standpoint.
· What is your brand?
· Why is this your brand?
· What do you stand for?
· What difference do you make?
· What impact do you have?
· What value do you bring?
3. Know what the future looks like and the answers to challenges ahead
Seek counsel on the areas that are going to be challenging. Great leaders take the time to find out the answers to the unknown. They find people with solutions and experiences to assist those they lead, encourage them to see what can be done, and help them on the road to evolution.
4. Find the Clarity needed to Inspire your People
Know how to tell the story to all layers of your business. How the story translates to teams and individuals within accounts, finance managers, marketers, technology, compliance, people resources, sales, etc. The more personal the story, the more believable and actionable it is.
5. Live the Story and be what you Tell Others you are
As a leader, you have to embody the story you are selling to others. You have to model the following vital areas well and know what you are working on improving yourself, your mindset and your skills and behaviour.
· Personal beliefs: Do you fully demonstrate an all-in mindset?
· Behaviour: How do you compare to the behaviour you are asking of others?
· Congruency: Do your deeds match your words?
· Execution: Do you get the things done or slow down everyone else?
6. Connect with the People in your Business
When connecting people with the firm's mission, vision, and story, the leader must take the time to join the story to different types of people in your firm and by the department. Until you do this, many people will take more time to understand what you ask of them—explaining how each role and responsibility connects to the story.
7. Link the story relevant to each person in your business
If you lead a team, make it personal, person by person.
Take the time out to inspire them into action.
If you have a large team, allocate the teams' leaders and ensure that clear direction is given to a repeatable story; removing ambiguity is necessary. If someone who is sharing the story cannot answer questions about it- it’s not clear then review what is needed to create clarity
8. Associate success with the story
Celebrate successes and link them to the critical things in the story. Even if it is a small point, it is crucial. People will believe more of what they can see.
9. Relevance
Be relevant. Describe the story in the relevance of today. Create energy and a mindset of what is possible.
10. Individualise the story to key people and leaders
The more your team and leaders can individualise the story in their own words, with their conditions and enable others to do the same, the more the movement and story will grow and spread. A caveat here is no misinterpretation, change or alteration, using their language to repeat the same message.
Take time to keep connecting the story.
Prioritise time in your schedule to share the story with as many people in your firm as possible, over and over again. Even if you have to repeat it, keep sharing what is possible. Link it into meeting structure, core decisions and keep reminding people of the road and journey ahead.
Putting the Vision of your Business into Everyday Stories. One of my favourite questions to ask a group of delegates is
“what is the number one product sold billions of times, over and over again since the beginning of time?”
People often get lost with the concept of a product from the importance of os the product is the story. It’s how businesses get lost in delivering for the customers ALWAYS, yet decisions get made that negatively impact the customer as they haven’t been thought. (Our RLC Framework solves this issue). The answers we get to this question are varied from farming, water, air, livestock and more. The answer is more straightforward than you think: it’s the story. When you listen to a story, written well or narrated well, what happens to you?
1. You create the story in your head
2. You take part in it
3. You become the story
4. You see the role you can play in it
5. You experience it
6. You feel it
7. You can relate to it
An intelligent, brilliant, sophisticated strategy can be exciting. It can be so specific to a particular part of your business, and it can lose its relevance to other parts of the organisation. The moment intelligence gets in the way of communication, strategy stops being useful, and it creates gaps in your people alignment, gaps in your culture. The solution to this is to learn to tell stories. Share it in a way that matches the audience you are talking to. Find examples that reach the people in the room with you.
Share the vision in ways to connect with each department. If the listener can visualise the story, they will work out how they can be part of it. Examples:
Marketing – Tell a marketing story
Accounting – Tell the story of a number
Customer Team – Tell a client story
Sales Team – Tell a sales story
Compliance – Tell a compliance story
Project Teams – Tell the story in a clear structure and order
Remember this is the SAME story, yet relevant in detail to the person or teams you are sharing it with.
Finally, be alert and ready to notice live story examples around the business that happen and share them to, connecting back to the business story.
Stories of happy clients
Teams who have already made a great start
Things that occur positively due to the focus of you and all your people.
The book of Proverbs states:
Vision is usually a great story - one that we can all relate to and connect with ultimately to contribute to and be part of. How good are you at telling stories? What would happen if you become even better?
The General Challenge Around Connecting
Historically leaders have used tested and trying techniques such as raising the voice, humiliation, emotional blackmail and other similar goodies. However, in the last 30 years, people have become wiser and more critical; indeed, they are less impressionable when seeking direction from line managers.
Politicians are trained to find out what the electorate needs and want, then match those requirements as best they can - often whether they intend to do something about it. Sadly, many simply want to get the position they're campaigning for. However, they do appreciate the need to offer what is most requested.
The first step for any leader is to start researching, listening and mentally connecting and linking information relevant to the individual. If you have a team
Do you know the names of all the partners of the people in that team?
What about their children's names?
And pets?
Of course, sending out a questionnaire, getting the information in and then memorising it would be a little heavy-handed if not ineffective, and there are many ways to achieve the same goal more subtly.
It is relatively easy today to hear some personal information and then note it on your phone under the person's contact details. The fact you are prepared to do this sets you apart from most people claiming to be leaders. Remember, the information you are jotting down is the kind of stuff that gets the person's attention whenever you use it. Our FireStarter® NLP Business Practitioners course teaches how to build rapport, connect and ensure that this connection skill is achieved.
People seek an employer who has these same basic requirements- security, loyalty, support, guidance and ability to connect. As a leader, going further in added value terms, and may I say unless this is done genuinely, it will have little effect. People intuitively know the real deal from a manufactured ‘replica’.
TOP TIP
Get into new habits, for example, when you are going to a meeting, do you make a point of aligning with the people in the meeting at the start and that the end? Checking the agenda matches all parties? And that outcomes match everyone's expectations? What about those times when you have an opportunity to speak to somebody one-to-one informally? Do you ever asked the question: “is being part of this team what you were hoping for in the interview?” or words that affect you.
3 Fundamental Solutions to Connecting More Effectively
1. Information Means Influence
2. What They Want is What You Want
3. Invest in Greater Contact Moments
I have already made the point about getting as much personal information as you can on everyone you are directly in contact with regularly. This also goes for your personal life. However, if you fail to do this in a business context, you are letting yourself down and your wish to serve and lead. The question is, how far do you want to go in this direction?
Beyond knowing necessary personal information like the names of children, partners and pets, you may wish to consider going to a deeper level. For example, what is the primary aim of each member of your team? A person’s primary purpose is their raison d’etre - of being alive. (I presume as a leader, you have worked out your own? If you haven't, do this now!)
Getting to the nitty-gritty here and knowing what motivates somebody is the essential information that will help you motivate this person, who will want to reciprocate through a further commitment to you.
As a coach, I ask my coachees about their primary aim because having this insight will help guide me in supporting them in a more significant manner. Underneath the primary purposes are goals and objectives, and knowing a few of these is extremely useful.
Many years ago, when I was leading a team myself in a well-known organisation, I had an opportunity to attend a young salesman's customer visit. He was trailing behind most of his peers. In the formal one-to-one sessions, I had not got to understand the reasons behind his lacklustre performance. An opportunity arose to explore this in a more informal approach when a client visit was shorter than planned, so we sat and chatted.
This informal setup allowed me to ask some questions that were better responded to. I started by checking that all was okay with him in general with one of my favourite questions:
"What's your current happiness rating score out of 10?”
Anything less than ten does require further clarification.
So, when he replied with 6, this prompted me to be more curious.
We discussed the primary aim, and he confirmed that he and his new wife wanted to open their dog kennels but saw this as potentially 20 years away. He was surprised when I suggested it could be as little as five years out; he was astonished by my supporting response. I did explain that having unhappy team members meant that the work they were doing would probably be under par. What was infinitely more acceptable was knowing someone was around for a few years but would give a quality performance that made them feel good and delighted with their contribution. This was a turning point there and then. I allowed him to visualise his ideal outcome, how much capital will be required, and how much time he would have to save to achieve that. I could see the excitement building in his eyes, and the realisation that he would most like to accomplish in life was much closer than I ever imagined in his wildest dreams.
It's important to point out that loyalty to your organisation is essential when working for a company. Getting people excited and geared to leave the business as soon as possible is probably not in its interest. However, I don't know of any companies that would like to keep someone for 20 years who is a mediocre or low-performance employee versus five years of being a superstar performer. This young salesman had a renaissance in his career, and his sales picked up. He became more loyal and committed and eventually became my right-hand person, looking after everyone else. Investment from my side was 60 minutes, a cup of coffee and a few key questions that have never failed me.
Primary Aim connecting questions
If you can connect with others, treat their answers with value and respect, you will boost your ability to connect quickly. Here are some critical primary aim questions
If you could be or do anything right now, and I had a magic wand and could wave it for you, what would you ask me for?
Have you ever thought about your Primary Aim in life?
What would have to take place to make you 10 out of 10 happy? (It can be more than one thing)
If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you want to achieve?
What’s your happiness rating today out of 10?
Who else in your life needs to be an outrageous success?
Do you have any goals that you want to achieve and are not sure how to achieve them?
What keeps you up at night currently?
Do you ever want to retire? If so, when?
Do you enjoy Monday mornings?
The 3 Primary Aim Motivators
While we are on the subject, the three motivators that I am aware of are:
3 - Money
2 - Respect and recognition
1 - Making a difference
Curiously, money comes in third, and the human desire to make a difference is the most popular motivator globally and has been for a long time. I remember a colleague describing their time in the 80s as a consultant; they were asked by an insurance company the best way to motivate their employees. At the time, they were throwing vast amounts of money towards their salesforce of 400 people in bonus commissions, great weekends at top London hotels and ‘conferences’ at some of the warmest climates and luxury holiday locations on the planet. After a few months, he put something completely new in place, a set of three pins—gold, silver and bronze. These pins would be worn by each insurance salesperson and indicate how successful they were in the organisation. The psychology of this is fascinating because sales increased no longer just motivated by money related temptations, but the colour of the pin! To the majority, respect and recognition have a much higher value than cash alone.
Be wary of profiling tools
There are very few people I know who like to analyse themselves continually. Typically, we are more interested in other people studying us - provided it's done confidentially. In a leadership situation, analysing those around you is critical - a bit like a poker player looking for a ‘tell’ in the faces of his or her opponents—achieved through connecting. We write about this a lot in many different blogs (Check them out here). We have seen so many poor examples of execution relating to profiling, from labelling specific employee sand team members, not being able to “see beyond” the results, categorising and blaming results on responses, behaviours, attitudes. We always say use profiling with a caveat of caution. Profiling is biased as they are self-assessment, OR you are assessed; therefore, the information is perception, opinion, and emotive. There are very few people that are so self-aware they don’t skew their results, or complete to “fit” a culture, or role or as a leader we apply our bias of likability or not, role, competence, skill, and so much more and sadly labels stick and become part of cutting off and not connecting.
We are inundated with profiling mechanisms within a business, self-tests, and the famous BuzzFeed tests we procrastinate with! We have to be exceptionally careful that we don’t fall into the trap that a profile is the definitive meaning, description and essence of the profiled person. It’s not.
There are, of course, umpteen profiling tools out there, some of which are incredibly sophisticated. Having the connecting skill means we have to build up preferences of people so that we can better communicate and engage with them
I like to think about whether someone is visual, auditory, kinaesthetic (feelings based), or auditory-digital (logical). This can be done with eye movements, broadly speaking, visuals looking up, auditory look at their ears and auditory digitals look down and to their right as you look at them (if right-handed). On the other hand, Kinaesthetic people tend to look down into their left (if right-handed). With a little practice, you'll find it relatively easy to ask someone a question that they have to think about and then watch with their eyes go to. Visual will also look into space and visualise what they're thinking about. This will help you match conversation topics and language with that individual, creating a connection.
For example, if I notice someone is visual, I will ask them to imagine something or picture it in their head. I will use words like ‘see’ and ‘visualise’. Even expressions like, “I see what you mean” and “Do you see my point?” The same approach is valid for other categories. It's also worth making a note of who everyone is until you get to regularly connect with them while matching them at the same time.
Matching as a skill is relatively easy to master. Yes, it's power in influencing and positively communicating a message can be extraordinary. When addressing a group, it's essential to use all four areas of influence for the audience as a whole. There is something called the kinaesthetic –auditory-visual opening (KAV). When addressing your team, always begin asking how they are feeling or a reference to feelings followed by something around listening or what they might here today in the presentation and finally what they're likely to see as an outcome. I was very sceptical about this approach when I first heard about it until I started to use it regularly and found that it worked wonders. If you want a quick icebreaker that relaxes people fast - this is it.
Connection Matching and a Myriad of Categories
We have already looked at sensory preference matching, and there are other categories - too many to list here—for example, great detail versus low detail. The way to do this is just to ask somebody.
If someone wants me to send them something, e.g., a proposal, I will ask them whether they are a high or low detailed person. Of course, you will get those who say they are both, and therefore I will send an executive summary followed by all the detail they require.
The detail is on a sliding scale of 0 to 11, and we are all somewhere in between. I can cope with detail, and I'd love the bottom line on most things to start with, as this helps to focus me. Imagine someone wanting to sell to me, sending me a 56-page report on their product. My immediate reaction would be to shelve it or bury it somewhere where I don't have to look at it. Shame, they never asked me my preference. You can also have some people sporty and others who are not. There is food choice, holiday locations that we prefer or hate, there are colour profiles too.
Insight’s profiling, for example, uses red, blue, green and yellow. Each colour symbolises characteristics of the individuals who have answered questions that place them in one of those four categories. Like most profiling, we all have a percentage of all the categories presented about us. However, we will have an over-riding preference for one particular type. Just remember the caveat we apply to ALL profiling; it’s a preference, NOT a person's definition, who they are or their skill and competency. The advice is to observe as many people as possible in your daily routines. I like to watch someone making my takeaway coffee - typically in Starbucks. How they move and what they do can give me a good idea of who they are. It's about practice, practice, practice.
Matching vs Mirroring
One area that I am at odds with is mirroring. Mirroring is where you exactly copy the person's body language in front of you, like a mirror image. It's the sort of advice given by so-called body language experts, and it doesn't work in reality, and it’s a passé, leadership myth.
The idea works, and you can see it when children mirror their parents, but if I tried to mirror someone in a restaurant, for example, I would probably get into a great deal of trouble. Quite honestly, it's preposterous, and if you did it with a friend, they would soon catch on and burst out laughing, asking you what you up to.
Mirroring does happen when two people are deep in a conversation, high rapport and unaware of what's going on. I've been in a situation where I'm chatting to somebody, and suddenly I realise we are sharing the same body language. This usually means we're on the same wavelength, but the moment I realise that we are mirroring each other, I ensure it stops because it suddenly appears quite silly. There is an eager need to ensure that the other person hasn't discovered what's going on, as it could feel embarrassing. In short, you should never consciously mirror anyone, which is why matching is the only solution.
Matching doesn't mean copying, and it doesn't mean synchronised body language. Good matching matches out of sequence, and the body language, words and phrases they use, or a vague match rather than a mirror-match; as an example, Hostage negotiators use this technique. If I wanted to match somebody, I might notice that they're playing with their pen. When they stop playing with their pen, I will pick up my pen to mess around with it. They know that I'm doing something similar to them at an unconscious level, and we instinctively like people who are like us. Equally, if you want to bite your nails and hate the idea, we will not get along at an unconscious level. So much for opposites attracting.
Match +1 and Match -1 technique
A word of caution. If someone has a gloomy expression, matching them could be a big mistake. The reason is that they are unaware of their expression, and when they see a reflection of it on your face, they will wonder why you are looking like that! Occasionally, it could work because the person feels matched by their mood, but why take the risk? This is where Match Plus One comes in. This simple technique is to match the person one step more positively. If someone has a severe expression, you could match the expression but nod to them when you see them. If someone has a quarter smile, offer them half-smile, and so on. You can also apply this by match -1 as anger is not to match but to bring them back down to a calmer stance, so you could use tone, volume, speed in language and words and lower them compared to the other angry person. This is match -1.
Being aware of Categorising people (labelling and identifying them)
We learn through our experience that we can make some mistakes, and once I did (yet yielded results as the logic and application were consistent, the method wasn’t!).
In my early career as a manager, my team were struggling with lack of action, inconsistent results and poor communication. I created a to-do list, which included more coaching, informal one-to-one sessions, asking great questions and working on motivation and value-driven incentives. I ended up with a strategy that I regularly reviewed and worked on every day, which gave me better results, notable so that other colleagues in the organisation asked me what my secret was. I didn’t want to share, so I didn’t for a while. The lesson is the sharing of the information could connect me and not cutting me off from others, which was my first instinct as I guarded my process jealously, then realised that this was a ridiculous way to behave, so I shared my ideas and was delighted to see improvements from others in the business, which was satisfying and a form of personal motivation for me.
Covid has created cut off, and we have to reconnect NOW
It’s been a unique global period that has seen us transition to working in the home, movement away from the offices, isolation and loneliness, disconnection at its heights, zoom and virtual meeting fatigue for its impersonal connection.
The impact of Covid has created by default a disconnection, and we have to resume and build connection back quickly. The post covid transition will include a new way of working, with hybrid being an expected normal, the option a necessity. There is also the apathy of connection that Covid has created. The first lockdowns allowed for ingenuity, creativity and each lockdown impacted us and took away the energy that connection requires and needs to be maintained.
Summary Connecting or Cut Off
Ultimately, we have to remember as we transition to post covid times that we will need to be more connected than ever before. As leaders, any discomfort that comes from that has to be ignored and focuses on re-engagement, reconnecting, great conversations, better listening, better follow-up, and being present. Being connected in work, whether remotely or face-to-face directly relates to well-being and employee productivity. The satisfaction we know creates effective teams and individuals. As leaders, it’s our responsibility to ensure that being connected is a crucial part of the workplace[6]- it is defined as psychological safety[7] and is paramount within leadership. Connected teams and leadership create more significant growth, more revenue, higher satisfaction levels, more balance, evaluated risk-taking. We believe that there is a massive opportunity for more effective teams, less hierarchical leadership, balanced hybrid working patterns through being more connected with a conversation.
Easy ways to connect now:
Pick up the phone (post covid get face to face)
Talk not email, not text, not slack, what’s app, social media -TALK
Create the connecting conversation- ask great questions (see primary aim)
Listen first (Listen Like Your Life Depends On iI RLC®)
Respond slowly, without an agenda
Share story
References and Notes
Matthew Syed Rebel Ideas
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_safety
[1] https://content.tcmediasaffaires.com/LAF/lacom/psychological_safety.pdf
[1] https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/30853491/CohGotUnd2000.pdf?1362564558=&response-content-disposition=inline%3B+filename%3DSocial_relationships_and_health_Challeng.pdf&Expires=1614012496&Signature=KlVdgZPllq4z4Iuaffi89Yg0IxM4KvqmT1iKYZw-~BYTj89RJ7pvRWUSBV4CSse53Z4nguJTrNXl9~Yz1lgfbfPH0Rc5Ll9HnOtjE6ahjbDKBeZkCX~d80pMVF95GDu~8hh7vzV2u8PWrkNcDCCDomFW9WL-xq3T4LYT2eHHtniHZP1SUbWZkFYGDaDqk1plRqWSENvkQocHaD-ZFbIxUrGa6NQJXKioi~3F0B-6j1-D-dETSi0GFopAREUQHMThEH3zrXv71nrA5Z1C4JUD6oDUjekt6g~KS3lY4~JCpQNUuIzERZFE0txVyK6qDQGKJrE7eiHyyL1sioLSHVLirQ__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAJLOHF5GGSLRBV4ZA
[1] https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.1993.12.1.25?journalCode=jscp
[1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-2004486
[1] https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/30853491/CohGotUnd2000.pdf?1362564558=&response-content-disposition=inline%3B+filename%3DSocial_relationships_and_health_Challeng.pdf&Expires=1614012496&Signature=KlVdgZPllq4z4Iuaffi89Yg0IxM4KvqmT1iKYZw-~BYTj89RJ7pvRWUSBV4CSse53Z4nguJTrNXl9~Yz1lgfbfPH0Rc5Ll9HnOtjE6ahjbDKBeZkCX~d80pMVF95GDu~8hh7vzV2u8PWrkNcDCCDomFW9WL-xq3T4LYT2eHHtniHZP1SUbWZkFYGDaDqk1plRqWSENvkQocHaD-ZFbIxUrGa6NQJXKioi~3F0B-6j1-D-dETSi0GFopAREUQHMThEH3zrXv71nrA5Z1C4JUD6oDUjekt6g~KS3lY4~JCpQNUuIzERZFE0txVyK6qDQGKJrE7eiHyyL1sioLSHVLirQ__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAJLOHF5GGSLRBV4ZA
[2] https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.1993.12.1.25?journalCode=jscp
[3] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
[4] Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage,
[5] Annie McKee, author of How To Be Happy At Work
[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_safety
[7] https://content.tcmediasaffaires.com/LAF/lacom/psychological_safety.pdf
Impact Q 2: What did the person hearing it feel like? Good | Bad | Indifferent?