Curious & Interested
The power duo in people management, coaching and support, every human interaction is boosted when you are curious AND interested, by themselves, they can help together they transform.
When you coach, you also learn something - this is, to me, is actual coaching. It is not just sharing knowledge, great questions, curious and intuitive questions, and listening as your life depends on it (an RLC technique LLYLDOI), and this learning keeps me connected to my clients and coaching as a role.
Doing a recent sales workshop with a global communications business I got some coaching learning focused on retaining our curiosity and being interested in others. In the manager's workshop session, we discussed what happens when you cant get most of your team. Some will be engaged and interacting, applying their learnings and new techniques (say 60%). The remaining 40% just don’t engage. They say, “I already achieve. What else do they need to know”. This was asked of me today, and I thought about it momentarily and replied - be more interested and curious about the individual. This focus on specific skills to build, enhance and boost their competence in connection aids how the results of the project are achieved and each manager impacts and influences their individual team members better too.
Have you considered asking:
“Why did they start this role?”
“Why do they work here?”
You may get replies like :
“It’s the only job I could get”
“The money”
“I don’t know just do “
This is real life, and real answers, not the nirvana that most people coach. Most people answer with banality or disconnectedness, and that’s just where that person is at or is willing to share at that moment. (Potentially also a sign of lack of rapport too!)
The key is to listen fully, like your life depends on it (an RLC technique), ultimately BE CURIOUS AND INTERESTED in the reply not the voice in your head.
You could reply to these responses or answer with :
“Okay, what if I could help you make this the best job for you? “
“Okay, it’s money that’s your focus. Great, what if I could help you earn more money? “
“Ah, I see you are unsure why, so let’s explore this a bit more - why do you like/ love what you do …”
You will get either positive or negative no’s
If yes, you can explain how you can help them
If no, I would ask why you feel that way…. be more curious and ask why.
My experience is that disengagement is lack of connection, not being heard, being ignored or feeling taken for granted ( a vital issue for many top salespeople as managers give them bigger targets and don’t manage poor performance!?)
The reality is we don’t engage in these conversations. Instead, we ignore or avoid them. We don’t want to face them as they are awkward and they require us to be skilled or care. Our own despondency is a reflection of us, not the other person or the conversation. It’s always easier to blame, procrastinate, ignore, deflect and ignore the root cause. Mostly I dont have time to deal with it- what if the conversation goes off in a direction I’m unsure of, what if it goes on and I dont know what to say…etc. Genuine curiosity and interest take effort and most of us dont want to do it.
The fastest way to change disconnection (of self and that of others), is to be curious and interested. I spent years telling myself and openly to others I don’t do small talk. I found it boring and just wanted to get to the point. It worked sometimes, and ultimately, I’m sure I came across as arrogant. (I was actually hiding and defending my lack of desire to share anything personal so convincing my dialogue that it was because I didn’t like the small talk was a congruent way to think I was protecting myself!)
The truth is small talk is critical, it stimulates curiosity and requires us to be interested. This is essential in any role, and sales are the key to success.
Small talk is many things
Connection
Rapport
Engaging
Finding out
Seeking knowledge
10 ways to be more curious and interested
Small talk is the big talk, and it’s about being curious and being interested. We lose the importance of our childhood why questioning and our adulthood is worse off for it.
Ask why
Listen. Stop yourself answering immediately.
Ask more whys
Listen and hear every response.
Repeat keywords back in your why questions. Staying connected to the responses is key.
Ask why’s again,(we believe a maximum at 5), why explores depth and width and can create neurological rapport too!
Listen and share your thoughts. Be concise, your focus is not to be the point of interest the other is.
Ask more questions (what, how, when, where, who). Remember each response, pause and ask to repeat if you miss hear or do not understand (Neurologically - brain filters- we delete, distort and generalise, this eliminates curiosity and makes us feel better yet less connected.)
Connect by using language that you have both used. Get the information you can act on. Names and places, events, commonalties, achievements and learnings.
Be more curious through your questions, be more interested in your answers.
You can have any conversation boosted if you retain being curious and interested.
We never know what we might learn from that call/person/ conversation.
If we don’t ask the questions and truly listen to the answers, we won’t help our customers/clients/ colleagues - we will function, we will do what we’ve always done, we won’t grow or develop l.
Our curiosity and interest in others benefit you.
Here are some recent examples
A: Why do you do what you do?
A: I need the money
Q: Why what do you spend your money on? Q: What is essential for you and your money?
A: I'm saving to buy a house?
A: I’m the person who supports my family
A: I want to own/ have/ set up /start
A: I do this sport, and I travel, so I need to save for it
Dig deeper, be curious and find out more
Wow, that’s great, where are you looking for a house? How’s the saving going? (No enquiries to the value)
What kind of property do you want? Why? You can uncover goals, future ambitions, family, the importance of personal and professional aspects of the person.
What areas are you looking for? Why?
How have you started looking? When will you? How did you get started?
You will find out how to help better, support better, sell better, connect better, and so much more through using curiosity AND being interested in the replies
You would be amazed what you will uncover:
You could be speaking to the next future Olympian
You could find a new activity to try yourself
You could discover about an industry’s you know nothing about and could be a future interest
You could find about someone’s history and background
Being curious and being more kid is great (ask why more if when), yet complemented with being interested, you will be amazed at how much you learn, improve and get more role satisfaction.
References and research
The 60-70s studies of curiosity saw it as unnecessary- http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/gl20/GeorgeLoewenstein/Papers_files/pdf/PsychofCuriosity.pdf
Five dimensions of curiosity Psychologists have come to realize that curiosity is not a monolithic trait. George Mason University’s Todd B. Kashdan, David J. Disabato, and Fallon R. Goodman, along with linguist and educational scientist Carl Naughton, break it down into five distinct dimensions: deprivation sensitivity, joyous exploration, social curiosity, stress tolerance, and thrill-seeking. They explore which dimensions lead to the best outcomes and generate particular benefits in work and life (taken from Frances Gino work)
Neuroscience and curiosity https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4635443/
Great study and research paper into the connection of curiosity and interest. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10648-019-09512 and https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232709031_Curiosity_and_Interest_The_Benefits_of_Thriving_on_Novelty_and_Challenge
The PACE framework of Prediction, Appraisal, Curiosity, and Exploration also studied show the connection and also challenges of curiosity and interest https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1364661319302384