Words Matter
In the past year, much has occurred in each of our lives through the lens of a global pandemic. Each of us has experienced something unique, and the one thing that keeps recurring to me is the power of words on every level.
Comments in the media, the lack of words said through disconnection, projection of ourselves through our words, the twisted use of words, the brutality and hurt from words, new words created from the pandemic, and the impact all this has had on each of us.
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me. ”
Research shows the origins of Sticks and Stones is from black church congregational speakers to deal with the persecution of the words they experienced. The words in their original context are used to help deal with racism through their religious beliefs. The outcome was that the black community told themselves to be tough and turn the other cheek- the power and impact of words matter.
As an important aside, we must recognise that racism is a powerful demonstration of words' negative impact and influence. When we use words to damage, offend, ostracise, undermine other people, it's with words used. The black community shouldn't be the ones changing; it should be the bully, racist white people, and their words that should be challenged - sadly, this is still heavily prevalent in today's 21st-century society.
The teen literature author Ruby Redfort updated the verse.
““Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.
Stones and sticks break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me.
Slant and curved the word-swords fall. It pierces and sticks inside me.
Bats and bricks may ache through bones, but words can mortify me.
Pain from words has left its’ scar on mind and heart that’s tender.
Cuts and bruises have not healed. It’s words that I remember.””
Words REALLY do matter.
We suffer and can recover from physical harm and have bruises, scrapes, scars form, we have to remember that the same impact is from words and their verbal scars. They leave trails. Psychoanalysis and neuroscience share the impact of words within our culture, environment, a sentence that we carry with us to hurt ourselves from within. The effect is for a long time. The giver of the words ignores the impact they are making.
Another example of how words can be impactful; I've recently listened to a conversation between two people. One person was expressing how they felt when they got called "loser" by the other. They told them it was a trigger word and upset them. The other person talked over them, told them to "man up", "it's banter. It's a joke. You need to get a grip, and you're an elitist. You're soft." It went on and was so uncomfortable to hear and listen to. The person who found the loser comments upsetting wasn't heard, ignored, laughed at, and undermined even more. The issue here is that the words hurt, and the lack of empathy and awareness of the other person carried on even after being told they were offending them. The deflection and denial made it worse. The outcome the relationship will suffer from this.
Dealing with conflict in words
One of the most significant issues we have in leadership in our day job is dealing with conflict. How does a leader have challenging conversations (courageous conversations as they are called, a label that conforms to a stigma of avoidance? )
Being aware of what words you use and how they can affect a person is the responsibility of every leader.
The impact of words has been going on for millennia- wars occur from words.
In the 21st century, with all the knowledge and history, our lack of awareness still creates huge, cavernous issues. From a lack of empathy and connection, our words are affecting us from topics of gender pay, quality, racism, sexism, generational differences, mental health and wellbeing, cultural impacts, social demographic, politics.
My understanding of the two friends' reaction when one decided to challenge their friend with their words and the impact it had on them had taken some time to address, and they had let it happen for a long time. However, it was public, affecting them and for the friend who raised it was necessary. We can explore the many reasons they reacted; they may have reacted the way they did with their words.
Envy
Ignorance
Bias
Age
Self-Projection
Embarrassment
Generational
Power and control
Desire to undermine
Be right
Win
Offend
Cognitive dissonance
Shame and blame
Lack of empathy
Indifference
Now we dont know the background and must not assume a new story, although this example does show us the depth and complexity that words have on each of us. One of the above could have been why the person chose to ignore their friends' need to share their feelings. As a result, the outcome can remain unresolved, with underlying tension an issue for the following conversation. The long-term impact here is disconnection, as underlying hurt sentiment remains when unresolved.
How you finish is how you start.
Understanding we all use words, all the time. Our relationship boundaries can cross with the wrong words. It is worth remembering how we can directly impact and influence our words.
Consider any conversation, and how you finish it is how you start the next interaction.
If you are rude, swear, abrupt, you will be connecting to that person from that starting point rude, hurt, upset. If you finish a conversation with kindness, consideration, happiness, loving and caring - how you choose to end the discussion is how you will connect to that person. A decisive action to remember for each conversation.
How to deal with difficult conversations
I haven't used conflict challenge or other labelling words; the discomfort we feel when conversing is essential. This "feeling" energy should be tapped into as we can aid our intentionality and awareness.
Understand what you want to say. Most uncomfortable conversations are avoided as we ponder so much on them. Instead, we create a story that makes us even more uncomfortable and validates why we should NOT have the conversations- easy life, blowing over, etc.
9 Ways to have an intentional conversation
Being aware and understanding why it's important to you is important, also understand from others perspectives. You do not know what is happening in anyone life. Ask if you need to.
Ask permission
"I would like to talk to you about…. Is that okay?
If they reply No, then arrange a time that works as this becomes an avoidance tactic
"Okay, I appreciate it might not be the right time, so we can talk later, say 3 pm or tomorrow. It is important for me, so I would like to make sure we chat."
Speak, Pause, listen.
Moderate your tone and volume, and pace. Slow down your speech so you can be clear on what you are saying, and also, this will keep your volume and tone calm and composed. Having this motion awareness of your speech will allow you to present your words better and be relevant to you.
Pause as many times as you need to
Do it, even if you need to count down (Think Mel Robbins 5 second rule 5,4,3,2,1 go)
Have the conversation NOT an email, text or other media tool.
Uncomfortable conversations must be made by voice and face to face even if video calls/FaceTime etc., this avoids any misinterpretation. (reference below to tone, volume and pace all have a positive impact, and this isn't received in a text)
Be aware of one-dimensional communication, i.e. texts, WhatsApp, as context is lost easily. We apply our individual emotional states into one-dimensional texts. Think about how you are "feeling" when you read a message is how you respond; this is not relevant to the person who sent the message!
In a society that uses this form of communication, more regularly than speaking and now seems more reliant on one-dimensional more than ever because of Covid we have to work harder on our intentionality in our conversations.
Consider and Reflect on (avoid if possible)
Words and phrases to consider their impact on others and why you would use them
In my honest opinion
In my opinion – this is a deflection, and avoid validating that you are not accepting responsibility.
Try- this word means lack of effort and vagueness. I will try
I think -this can be received as I am making this up, not sure, not factual
To be honest – another way of projecting that you are not telling the whole truth
Using someone else's versions of events – this becomes a rabbit hole as you are not someone else, and your conversation is then based on an assumption
I assume, I presume – this means you have created your story based on what you think without context
Avoid "You do this, that" – when dealing with uncomfortable conversations discussing how it affects you is the key, not the other person
Options to use
Use I, not You- "You make me feel"- instead use "I feel". This allows you to give your perspective and not pass blame as the other person will defend themselves and their actions first rather than listen.
Accepting is not about a win
We have been told that compromise is a negative outcome as there has to be a winner or loser ultimately in that situation. Consider the power of agreement instead.
You can agree to disagree and yet still have a resolution
You can disagree with each other yet respectfully agree on the next steps.
The focus here is not to avoid saying what you think and feel the opposite, and it is about using your words to express how you feel and setting personal boundaries that are important to you.
Our two friend's situations have reached an impasse as they find the agreement that works for them and will mean a few more conversations and an outcome that either means continued friendship or that the season of connection has reached its limit. The actions here are from unique value sets and supporting yourself through them.
It's not about right or wrong, winning or losing, or
"I can't have an opinion "mentality or even worse
"You can't say anything these days",
"It's political correctness gone mad."
We should all understand the requirement for us to share our thoughts and be conscious and empathetic of the impact others have on us. Thus, being balanced with a heightened awareness of how we impact ourselves and others is a great life skill.
Words, behaviour values- you choose.
Do you know your values?
How are they important to you?
Will you apply them to yourself or ignore them to create an “easy life”?
When we talk about the power of words, we can link them directly to our values and behaviours because how we choose to use our words is the same as what it represents in ourselves.
We coach clients and businesses to understand their values. It's so important and easily dismissed as unnecessary. Yet, having awareness of values changes our attitude, our mindset, our reactions, responses and decision making. All driven by our words. We recommend you work through our RLC eBook on building your personal values is a great starting point.
Internal words versus external words
Our words we know is a choice; we choose to respond and react to our words. A choice we decide to apply in every day. The question is, how much consideration and intent do we think about when say certain things?
Common considered, and intentional words are I love you, I am sorry, Please, Thank you. These words we are told from society have meaning, depth, impact, influence on the person we day them to. So why don't we consider ALL the words we choose to have the same impact and influence. The way we speak (internal chatter) to ourselves inside our heads is not how we sometimes talk aloud. We contradict our language to ourselves, berate, undermine, disrespect, abuse ourselves through our internal language and yet we wouldn't speak or use this negative, damaging language to anyone else. SO why do we do it, and how can we help ourselves improve the words we use to ourselves. The activity on values will aid in this too. If your clarity on what is important to you, your next step is understanding what you believe. Again like the values activity, this is a self-assessment, defining what YOU think, not what you've been told to believe.
Do this simple belief test.
A simple personal or business belief activity is the use of using the word why.
List what you believe
Then ask yourself, why do I believe this?
Then ask it again -Why do I believe this?
Final question - Is this true?
An example would be:
- I believe that I am a good boss who values their people
Now ask why do I believe this?
- I believe this because I have been told by my team
- I have written feedback that from many members of my team
-I have got promoted to manage a bigger team
-I am transparent and communicate clearly to my team
Asking again, Why allows you to be more specific
- I believe this because my value of openness is the main area I am commended on
- I believe this because I have had this feedback from a variety of teams and clients and not just one person
- I believe this as my value of collaboration has allowed me to be successful in my promotion
The final part is a self-critique - is this true?
This is a Yes or No. We can self validate positively and negatively; this final step allows you to be self-supporting and identify where you need to work on your words, values and beliefs.
The brain and words
Updated science-backed neuroscience shows the impact of words and in different ways than previously suspected. At RLC, we have used neural-linguistic programming in many of our programs and have a specific business accreditation program, too (find out more here). We know it has benefits for the individual, and many using particular words that trigger responses.
Meta studies done by Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman-Barrat show that if we enhance our words, she calls it emotional granularity, we can positively boost our connection and gain new neural pathways to benefit us. She also declares having made-up language and words to describe how we feel can aid us in better connecting with others, clarity of communication and self-esteem.
The other element is that we all have a body budget (like a business P&L), which means we give and take to our emotional state and responses through language.
An example of this could be as simple as somebody saying - that's nice". These words have a biological response to the person they are told to; they affect the body budget positively as a genuine compliment or danger as a sarcastic tone that negatively impacts you.
We have to recognise that words, then, are tools for regulating human bodies. Others recognise words directly affect your brain activity and bodily systems, and your words have that same effect on other people. Whether you intend that effect is irrelevant. Words impact how we function physically, emotionally and biologically.
“The power of words is not a metaphor; it’s in our brain wiring. ”
One of the critical parts of how we learn, grow, develop is in our words. Impact and influence are from the words that can aid us or damage us. As a child, we are taught how to use words to get what we want and dont like. Yet, these early years are underrated in the real impact that specific word choices can last a lifetime.
The words that get spoken to us (how we choose to connect with them or not)- think values and beliefs here). How we use the actual word type to aid us in better understanding and how we can create new neural pathways through our words and language.
Your Words At work
In the workplace, our words are important too. So we work with individuals and groups to manage uncomfortable conversations by first knowing why it’s essential (value sets).
One area we discuss with our clients is being yourself in all you do. This consistent approach of how we share who we are is essential yet doesn't happen very often. We believe we have to act in a certain way; we speak and use language differently than at home or in our social space. If this is, you ask yourself why. Go through the belief test above and check in to see why this is happening; it will clarify your role, values, and beliefs and allow you to question why you do what you do. Being different in work and home is hard work, a lot of effort and also creates inconsistency.
Unfortunately, too many situations arise in the workplace when we "act out" and project an expectation or role we have assumed instead of being ourselves. Plus, this is primarily the reason the situations arise due to lack of congruency to self?!
Modern Neuroscience is discovering the link to our brain through the words we use to impact us directly. Your words will reveal subconsciously what you genuinely feel, be it role relevance, hierarchal impacts, fear, toxic cultures, relationships, lack of boundaries, “banter”, and more. Being more aware of what you say and why you are saying it is the best starting point.
Banter and what it really means
Workplace banter is an area of concern as it can be misconstrued and also very damaging. Banter is defined as "exchange remarks in a good-humoured teasing way" and is pleasant and tolerable in this context. However, banter is also a cover-up of words said badly, ultimately to build rapport. The reality is its bad rapport that's gained through primarily an intention to connect. At its worst, banter is used to insult, damage, defame and hurt others and disguised as - "its only banter, what's your problem"- and this is the power of words in the negative.
8 Simple ways to build word power
Be you in all that you do.
Use the words that you know.
Grow your word granularity.
Know your values and beliefs
Read more or listen to podcasts.
Use fewer words. Less is more. Simply what you say.
Slow down when you talk.
Write a journal (or create an audio one), reflect back on it, and notice what words you use- what can you improve?
8 Simple ways to build word power in business
Take note of the words used by the leadership in your business (is it damaging, positive, ambiguous, blaming, praising, indifferent)?
Question content and others' words- "Can you explain to me what you meant when you said"
Review all written words- internal communications matter.
Get feedback on your words- clarity, understanding, impact
Listen to how your teams communicate- what language do they use? Does it differ from the leadership teams?
Find out what words are essential to your customers. Then, get feedback from them, review complaints and compliment what words are used about your business?
What are the business values and beliefs? Does the business reflect this in its language and words used internally and to external customers?
Write drafts of emails first and then reread after a while, adjust and send.
Summary
Every word is a choice.
We have complete ownership, responsibility and accountability for every word we use. So make it count. Help yourself and others by being intentional and considered with your words, it’s the simplest (and quickest) thing we can do.
Understanding that we affect someone else's body budget just by our words is a powerful way to raise self-awareness. So be intentional with your language. Remember that silence is as powerful as the words you choose.
References
https://healthtransformer.co/the-neuroscience-of-behavior-change-bcb567fa83c1
https://ideas.ted.com/peoples-words-and-actions-can-actually-shape-your-brain-a-neuroscientist-explains-how/
