Permission give, take or ask?
Permission, what does it mean to you? AT RLC, we coach the skills around asking permission in all we do. It is integral to our values and how we choose to connect with others. Let me explain.
“Permission from the dictionary definition is authorisation granted to do something; formal consent.”
So how does this translate into the real world, personally and professionally? Why is it so important? Finally, how to apply, change and transform relationships, understand, build perspectives and remove assumptions and judgements. This singular action is impactful neurologically, too, in how we acquire information to make decisions or share opinions.
Asking or giving?
One of the most human things we do is share our thoughts and perspectives- we talk, connect, chat, share, gossip, and repeat what we've read, yet this creates issues as we make assumptions and judgements on our singular perspective. As a generalisation, I am not defining this as everyone does the same; however, we all have similar human traits. In the last 30 years of the internet, we see the different ways how we gather and share information impacting how we connect and become divisive, rude, and ineffective. We read a headline and assume the rest, we read one article and accept its the correct standpoint, we hear one person say one thing, and we repeat it relying on a search engine opinions and can devalue that of our own.
Giving information from the sources without fact-checking is not helpful or does not build our connection skills. And this is where asking permission comes in. The simple act of asking
"Do/Can I have your permission to ....question, query, ask more, explore, be curious, challenge, get more information.....
We can get blinded by others viewpoints and lose our own along the way. We can take the easy route of nodding and agreeing to "keep the peace". We can dismiss and upset someone without thought or even intention as we regurgitate information. Asking permission means we are beginning and ending the conversation with consent. This consent projects care, thought, and intentionality, prepares the other person for your thoughts and allows us to explore our values, thoughts, and beliefs and discover others.
Permission to self
We repeat the action of everything starts with self, and you have to be ready to give yourself permission before asking others. This simple task of consenting yourself to be you in all you do is as complex as it's simple.
We want to be liked, and agreeing and overriding our values and beliefs is easier. To challenge and stand you for what you want to is harder yet must be the foundation you start from. Permission means you need to know what you stand for and why.
Permission to others
We all know that being kind is the best way to connect. To achieve respect and trust come from a base of kindness. Asking permission from others to discuss, deal with and conversations that upset you, even if you like someone's perspective or point of view, being able to ask permission to find out more is key to building relationships. Yet, it's the one we ignore the most.
Permission in the workplace and business
Seeking permission in business is vital in any role or industry for example:
In sales, asking permission allows you to open up objections to the sale.
As a leader and your role in people development, it allows you to find the best person for the job and outcome (without assuming) therefore get a better result.
As a support/customer care function, it allows you to explore and seek the real problem and delete the noise and create resolution and excellent customer experience.
In recruitment, it allows you to find the right competency, desire and values to gain an employee that you will retain and grow with the business (saves money and also boosts company culture).
The simplicity of asking permission to advance your business objectives is one that you can implement quickly and easily.
Permission at home
Asking permission in our personal space is hugely rewarding as it creates deeper connected relationships. It brings calmness and balance into your private moments. We all seek harmony, love, care, connection, and longevity in our personal relationships. These can be more fraught than our professional connection as we want and desire (even expect) more from our loved ones.
We can create pressure as we want to be right and in most instances that we have experienced, asking permission in your home conversations gives back to the ones we love the most. Simply by being better at listening, not assuming (which we do most with our closest people), judging against and defusing defensiveness as we work through protecting our viewpoint rather than building the skill to compromise through kindness and love.
What if someone says, "No, I don't give you permission?"
Reality bites, and with most things, we can create the ideal scenario and never experience it!
This happens, and it means that you will avoid asking permission as it can make you feel uncomfortable. Discomfort is energy, not an excuse!
When someone declines permission, have several choices. Here are some examples.
Personal Example
You are in a heated discussion (some may say argument!) with a loved one, and you dont agree, and they won't hear your point of view. A great way to move forward is to ask permission. Yet it's got heated, and someone has to win?!
"Look, we are both wanting to share our views. Can I ask your permission to have 5 minutes to be able to deal with this better?"
They reply
"No, you can stay here until this is sorted?" (much more realistic)
You can reply
"I appreciate that we need to sort it out. I do agree with that if we give each other permission to step back and give it a mone to space, we can sort it out better (faster)."
Business Example
The scenario is you have a colleague who has said something to a client, and it's caused an issue you have to resolve. In this situation, you ask permission to understand the problem better and embed your company value and expectations.
"J, do I have your permission to discuss the issue with Client A?
They reply
"No, I don't have time, I've got an appointment now, and it's been resolved anyway."
The leader replies
"I appreciate you have an appointment shortly and as this is important to us as a business. I appreciate you giving me your time and permission in the next 24 hours to discuss this from all perspectives to help us in the future. I will put a time in your diary.
This focuses on asking permission and ensuring that both parties do not avoid the situation.
In most scenarios, this approach works; we are not creating the nirvana that every situation is solved by asking permission. Instead, it's a skill you can build to aid in the most challenging situations.
Permission is not accepting its acknowledging
The difference in these two words is massive in the land of asking permission. Your experience is not my experience, and your truth is not my truth, even if we have been through the same things. Understanding this can transform ALL your decisions, choices, conversations, and outcomes you want in your life.
Accepting someone's perspective is giving in, even giving up your viewpoint and silencing your voice.
Acknowledging someone's perspective is that you understand that you may disagree, yet you can acknowledge that their perspective is theirs and yours is yours. Creating space to move forwards and remove the stalemate moments.
Start by asking yourself permission to move any situation forward, and then use asking permission in all you do and see how it transforms outcomes and results for everyone.
