Do you ever get frustrated when you don't get understood? You know you've said what you needed to say, yet the other person doesn't get it? Do you blame them?

Or when you are explaining a task, you get told they understand what is needed and how to do it. Then, you check-up, review, or worse, get a complaint and find out that they didn't know what you were talking about?

We got reminded in a recent workshop how important the way we speak impacts all we do. So in the workshop, we got asked – “what is the most important thing we can do to get heard?”

It was easy to answer. How we speak. To ourselves and others are the best way to be heard, impact, influence, self-manage, lead, coach anything we choose to do.

We also got asked, "If I am applying this stuff, I am busy, you know spinning plates and, in a hurry, making sure I keep everyone in the loop, using our OKR metrics, sharing the YTF Process, making sure our CCO and CHP is aware of what I’m doing then how can I get it right? In a workshop setting, their question was perfect. It demonstrated how not to connect as they avoided plain-speaking throughout.

The internal and external expression of what we want to say gets lost in a lot of jargon, cliché which creates confusion, miscommunication, things not being done, annoyance, frustration, and all because we didn’t say what we thought we had said!

Plain speaking

Firstly, we must understand that most of us do not speak what we really want to say. We have been using the same repetitive cliché language from childhood. We pick up what we think "sounds good, jargon, colloquial phrases, and add to those differences in culture and societal language, we can quickly get confused, and anyone we speak to is confused too!

Consider first:

1. Do you choose plain, clear considerate language and words?

2. Do you want to project clarity and understanding, or do you love showing power, ego, and superiority in your language and communication?

3. Do you use jargon? Cliches? Do you use your "company language and acronyms?" Do you see language as an opportunity to connect or disconnect?

Plain speaking from a dictionary definition uses descriptions like- direct, fact, accuracy, genuine, and more slang types of naked truth, unvarnished truth, inside track? So how we talk, connect, and, more importantly, respond is through effective plain speaking. Clear, understandable words, relative to anyone we are talking to. (Note this includes how we talk to ourselves too).

The other side of plain speaking

There is a dark side to plain speaking too! Plain speaking can be used as an excuse to be rude, be disrespectful, or downright arrogant. The book radical candour by Kim Scott even coached this plain-speaking approach. The author's latest book updates her principles, realising that she was advocating an inappropriate way to talk to others. Her latest book challenges her original findings and system.

How do you use plain speaking in your every day or not?

Customer and clients?
Patients and aides?
Colleagues and managers?
Friends and family?
Your children?
Yourself?

Being aware of the power of the way we speak is a great starting point to connecting, building rapport, and creating healthy relationships. It’s always been tempting to “talk a good game”. People have been doing it for thousands of years. Consider Greek philosopher Diogenes[1]who claimed that he was being candid, truthful and plain-spoken by speaking rudely and abusively? With plain speaking, we have an opportunity to ignite connections, build better relationships, gain better sales results, boost others, be better, be more kind, and speak clearly. Seems simple? Yet why do we not do it then?

Tips for plain speaking.

Do I really need to change the way I speak? No, of course, you don't unless you want to. It's a choice, and if you get frustrated when people don't understand you or misinterpret tasks or instructions or support you give, we suggest the starting point to improve is ‘how you speak to others.’

It’s simple, yet we must work hard, as with most things. Simple doesn't mean easy. If we work on our speech, how we communicate, reflect on the responses we got, then build on them. Confront when we mess it up and be open and honest.

As a side note, in our coaching, the problem or obstacle that stops open and honest speaking is fear, worry, anxiety, embarrassment, failing, having more concern about what others think. You will only know when you ask. We assume we know and then carry on the convoluted talking rather than being transparent, plain, and easy to understand.

1. Never assume, ever! Ask questions. Listen to the reply.

2. Slow down. Say less- stop interrupting. Be aware of your word tics.

Understanding how we can help ourselves be better at speaking means we have a few things to check and possibly work on.

1. Never assume, ever! Ask questions. Listen to the reply.
We naturally assume- we all do it. We have a personal agenda- i.e., we need something to be done or achieved. We then project that onto the other person – how we feel. It starts and ends with us whether we like it or not.
When we speak, we first assume the other person is in the same space, emotion, and cognitive thinking space as we are. Nobody ever is!
Be aware of who you are talking to. Is it an academic audience? A group of new starters in a business? A board meeting? Or is it a customer? We can be plain speaking and still overuse jargon, acronyms, and internal language related to your business. Examples are a scientist with 10 years of experience will have a deeper understanding of scientific jargon than a graduate student. Or medical jargon commonly shared by colleagues in one country might not be understood by experts in another country. Likewise, a customer who has purchased your products understands more than a new customer who is browsing.
When you speak for everyone, you speak for no one. So, if you don't know, ASK.
Being aware that we are always speaking – whether you label it body language or ‘just being’- you are speaking. Any movement, shrug, a roll of the eyes, smile, and grimace you make are being observed by someone and yourself at worst. You respond biologically, physiologically, psychologically to speaking (verbal, written and non-verbal). Speaking in-text, i.e., you read a text message, you interpret the emotion in the text, therefore creating the tone and response from what you feel, not how the other person sent it. This is key to learning to understand how you respond first.
**Asking questions and listening to the reply BEFORE responding** again is the best way to improve your speaking. As we start off with a personal agenda, we speak from what we want (even if we convince ourselves we are not!). To ensure that we speak plainly and clearly, ask MORE questions. Remove the assumption. Remove the personal agenda.

You get excited, you’re interested, you want to share your thoughts, the other person is engaged, and you overtalk, stop them mid-sentence, and speak louder to get your point across. We then let assumption take over. We stop listening to the other person as we want to speak too. This means you can overflow with jargon, cliches, work terms, etc. Slow down, stop interrupting. Listen. Think and then reply. You will transform how you speak and the responses you get. Also, you will find out a lot more.

Be aware of your word tics.

Saying less, not assuming, removing a personal agenda, listening before replying all help with word tics. Yet what is a word tic, and why do you need to know yours? Word tics stop us from being listened to. The other person gets lost quicker, disconnects, and then refers to their personal agenda!

A word tic is simply a filler word. For example, do you say, like, erm, sorry, think, try, but, ok or add more filler words.

Do you know your word tics? Dave, our CEO, sometimes overused saying "….the thing is", I used to overuse “so”, and “lets”. These word tics can dilute what you’re saying. For some, they can even delete what you're saying. Being aware of yours means you can instantly boost the impact you make by removing them as much as possible. For example, I coached a client who said the word "like" excessively, nearly every other word. For instance, he would say, “I am like, you know like, thinking I can do, like, this and then, like, see the change, like”. He wasn't aware of the number of times he said it, and I started to count through a few minutes of speaking, and the most "likes' he said was 37 in less than three minutes!

Quick word tic check:

Two ways to check your words tics.

1. ask someone what have they noticed you say a lot?

2. Record yourself- this is easier now as we have been using video calls throughout the pandemic, and we have a lot of resources to reference our speaking style.

The impact of my client being aware of his “like" word tic was he slowed down, became more precise, thought better about what to say and got better responses. People told him that they knew something was different, just not sure what and that they understood him better. Does he still say “like”, yes. Yet he is aware of it and self-checks. He says it very rarely now. Yet when it does happen now he's aware he is either getting agitated, not being clear or has unclear thoughts, so he stops for a moment. self corrects and moves on without using like!

Word Granularity.

Expand your words. Word granularity is being able to explain yourself precisely with easily understood words. This topic of words could be a whole book. Brene Brown's book Atlas of the Heart explains the power of words. Speaking means we use words. Plain speaking is we use words that describe our point simply. Knowing what words to use to get to the point is vital. Plus, using familiar, simple words also impacts our brains.

The neurology of words affects us. Plain speaking is more than just speaking clearly simply. It has a direct effect on our whole body.

I highly recommend Brene’s book as its shares how we improve our speaking, being plain linked to emotions. An example would be when we say we are happy. It can evoke many things. Yet, it's generally your happiness, and my happiness is different, so I connect to my happiness. This can distort a conversation, and what you are speaking about gets lost in translation – back to the other person's agenda. So being able to have word granularity, you can use fewer words and connect better. Happy can become play, content, proud, accept, powerful, cheeky, free, thankful, sensitive, hopeful, inspired, creative, valued.

A great way to find out more is to explore Lisa Feldman Barratt’s neurological work [2] on how word granularity and the impact it can have on our speaking. Also, refer to our other blogs on

Speaking in the written word.

We use a great technique called 4MAT[3] in all, we do even our speaking. Review what you’ve read so far, and the structure of the content is in 4MAT. We have explained why we need to plain speak, what is plain speaking, how can we do it or improve what we do and what if we don't and what if we did.

Using it in your written speaking is even simpler.

Include sentences no more than 15–20 words.
Use bullets or lists to simplify complex content.
Apply white space and indentation.
Highlight keywords and phrases.
Write in the inverted pyramid style.
For longer messages, feature a detailed summary.
Communicate one idea per paragraph.
Having paragraphs that contain only 1–2 sentences if they clearly explain the paragraph’s idea is ok.
Sentences should be no more than 15–20 words.
Use hyperlinks to explain in more detail.

Go to our free membership for more on techniques

Excuses.

Some thoughts on plain speaking are linked to equity, diversity, inclusion and gender and racial issues. We must be more aware of the impact of our language and speaking when we choose to use it as "banter". Excuses are that "we used to talk like this" "I could say this when I was growing up". Language evolves. Our awareness and acceptance of what was once deemed ok is or is not acceptable or funny are now understandably NOT. Our ability to use plain speaking to explain, overcome and challenge the inequities of society is essential. We know that as humans, we are equal. Equity is based on connection and awareness. Gender, race, sexual identity evolves, so must we.

Using plain speaking to undermine minorities, slander or negatively impact an individual or group will never be acceptable, yet it continues.

Plain speaking can build our need for learning, share our understanding, and identify our lack of awareness. Using the same principles of plain speaking of not assuming; listening, asking, pausing, saying less, better word granularity. Also, focusing on improvement highlighting word tics that are socially negative- aid you in plain speaking.

Plain speaking is not an excuse. We can use it to ignore or override; when we discover historical slangs and idioms that have become offensive today or even in the future, it is a choice we can make to not use them anymore. Find out. Make an effort. We have a philosophy at RLC that any majority’s role is to protect and support the minority. Therefore, as a majority, be it of any persuasion, it is our job to find out about differences of minorities, support, highlight and not pass the buck for minorities to educate the majority. Consider reading Layla F Saad[4] and her ability to use plain speaking to educate, support, guide and build awareness is worth the effort and time.

Summary

Plain speaking helps us in many ways. But, unfortunately, we get lost in the external desire to be seen as knowledgeable, better than others- we then assume, not listen, focus on self, not others. Our desire is that we must share it even if it means nothing to the other person; it makes you feel better?

Plain speaking is not just language; it's the response, listening, pausing, thinking, reflection, review, asking and being aware of each word you use. Plain speaking is helpful in many ways.

Plain speaking creates better connections, enhances and boost relationships, sells more, gets better results, become more productive and effective, tasks get done faster. In addition, it can create positive psychological safe workplaces, and it improves life balance- all through speaking simply and plainly.

So why don't we? What's stops us?

We have shared that many of us get in our own way. The desire and need to have our point of view first and loudest. Our agenda is the priority. We want to have others recognise our skills, knowledge, experience, and expertise. We want to be heard. It's easier to over talk speak with cliches and jargon. Ultimately plain speaking takes effort, thought and self-reflection. It requires us to self-analyse what can we do better instead of projecting on others. All of that is effort, hard work, and we like to focus on what's easy.

If we put the effort in to become self-aware of our word tics, slow down, fewer words, expand our word granularity, simplify, stop interrupting, listen better, ask more questions, stop assuming we can master plain-speaking, get the benefits it brings.